If you have ever heard anyone ever say, “Being in a band is like being in marriage”, well, that is unfortunately only half of the truth. The truth is being in a band is usually like being in a BAD marriage with 2 or 3 or 4 other people. And it usually ain’t pretty. I was in a band once where upon dissolution of the band we had to divvy up the remaining debt as they outweighed the assets. “You get the car I get the house” stuff, except it was, “I pay off the house you pay off the car”. Ugly.
In a marriage you have two people coming together to join their lives and futures and live happily ever after. Then, after the wedding, reality sets in-“I thought you would… I never thought you would…Why don’t you ever…” and so forth. It takes time, effort and a lot of work to learn how to communicate and build a happy union.
The difficulty usually lies in unsaid and therefore unmet expectations as the mighty task of a parallel life course is undertaken. And what gets so difficult is there is so much at stake –the course of the two lives and the sense of identity that is so closely wrapped up in the direction of that course.
At the heart of what we feel about ourselves is the deep concept of our sexuality, not sexuality as in simply the sex act, but in the essence of what we feel about ourselves as men and women. Therefore when the marriage is shaken or tested our very sense of selves is shaken as well.
The good thing is since marriage has been around for thousands of years there is a lot of work that has gone into it, so when we hit bumps in the road there is a multitude of resources (counseling, books, friends etc.) we can draw upon.
Ain’t no such thing as rock band counseling last time I checked (unless you are Metallica…good lord, that’s for another post).
When you decide to join or form a band it is imperative that you understand that ALL of the issues of marriage are at play in your rock and roll union. Trust, fear, vulnerability etc. -everything except the sex. We hope anyway. Unless of course you are Fleetwood Mac.
But even if you take out the sexuality factor you do indeed throw in something just as volatile -if not more so –the creativity factor.
What lies just as closely to the center of our inner rocking child star is the creative self. We are ALL beings that need to create. How we create, what we are creating, and how others perceive, honor and respect our creativity is just as important to our sense of well being as whether our wives think we are studs or the husbands think we are fat.
There is a reason there are so few bands that continue for the long term. And it isn’t limited to money issues.
I love your picture! Is that how you and your wife look like?
I don’t know much about band stuff but I have enjoyed your writing very much 🙂
Well said. I think I’ll be a “solo artist”, or a DJ.
or a hermit. or a eunuch. or a….
That’s a pretty intense description. How do you manage to stay checked in to both relationships?
priorities – the one that makes babies is the more important one. The band is a creative vehicle with elements similar to true marriage but only a reflection really…
It’s much easier to unedrsantd when you put it that way!